放射性治疗

今天我的放射性治疗医生说了这么一个例子：

I understand how you feel. It's not an easy decision. Maybe, you can think about it, like you are on the PIE. You either have to cross the PIE or get stab by a robber from behind. But, in your case, you hear shuffling noises behind, you do not know if you should cross the road, unsure of the chances of getting crashed by the cars or get stab by the robber who might be coming from behind.

强盗是复发的癌症，PIE车辆是放射性治疗。

虽然化疗告一段落，我还是得决定我是否要进行放射性治疗。大家不想的原因是，放射性治疗就如同将你放在日本福岛。我若要接受，医生会在我的胸口、心脏、乳房的部位进行放射性辐射。可想而知，接下来的日子我或许烧香拜佛都要多上几炷香，希望第二种癌症不会发生。此外，皮肤的颜色也可能受到影响。是，我爱美不要命。

不过，不接受放射性治疗的话，复发几率会提高。由于我当初的肿瘤体积非常之大（最大的那一个是12x10cm），复发几率是40%。而且，复发后不会是之前的化疗，而是high dose chemo 或SCT 类似骨髓移植，成功率都不是很高的那种。

What do you think? I know you're half-hearted, but we need to weigh the pros and cons.

在和医生聊了很久之后，我想我们应该是会接受放射性治疗。像我们这样的病患都会这么觉得：如果现在不接受放射性治疗，要是未来复发了，我们会遗憾后悔当初不接受治疗的决定。那又何必要悔恨。

这不是一个轻而易举的决定。此刻的我还是有点不安。

放射性治疗需要3个星期。每天，除了周末。每一次15分钟。
这就和上学去听一堂一小时的课。
因为我住巴西立。

不一样的星期一

星期一不再是化疗日。
星期一，我一醒来就不安地等待一则简讯。大约早上十点多，电话响了。

Hi Jie Ying, the PET/CT result shows that there is no evidence of lymphoma. I will see you on Friday.

这半年的煎熬不就是为了这一句话？

上星期做完扫描之后，我问医生能不能早点让我知道结果，否则就要等到这个星期五。医生很体贴地说会传简讯过来。她总是那么亲切。

此刻，我应该能说我已经去除了夺我命的癌细胞。当然松了一口气，很开心。但是，直到今天，我还有无法真正恢复之前的自己。除了放射性治疗的部分，心里头还是阴阴的。

大家替我开心，我真的很感动，可是就是无法打从心底、无包袱地开怀。我不是出国回来，我是从炼狱门外捡回一条烂命，真的值得庆祝吗？

下午和一翔聊天，发现念书的日子真的单纯许多。
当时只要烦恼考试作业，无需担心哪天生命会结束。

午后的时光总是美丽，至少我还能享受与体会。

12#11

今天住进医院来了。

最后一次的扫描再过8个小时就要开始了。我真的不知道要怎样面对。

刚才我碰见了Mdm Leung。她就是我当初刚发现，并在医院住上一个星期多，做了许多手术、扫描的对面邻居。婆婆她每晚陪我聊天，告诉我人生就是一场戏。然而，今次她也住进医院来不是我的邻居，住在我隔壁。

她的病情恶化了。

刚才和她的女儿Jane聊天，发现婆婆还是如此坚强。因为之前的化疗药物没有效，这次将使用trial的药物。新的，没有人使用过。婆婆说，要是她成功了，将会救活其它病人。我差点就流眼泪了。

她如此垂危，却顾及了全人类。她刚才告诉我，她隔壁前几天的另一个病患告诉她，癌症就是要和它斗到底，总会斗赢的。婆婆说，那位邻居走路都很痛，却在呻吟里头这样告诉她。婆婆哭了，邻居说不能哭。

Mdm Leung太坚强了。

让我想起Linda，她的嘱咐时不时会像起。我当时还想象，那天大家都好了，我会到她家研究熬什么汤来喝，然后和她的儿子玩。就这样喝喝茶，度过美好的下午。如今，我能做的就是延续她叫我不要放弃，一定要乐观、一定要吃饭的精神。

现在，我会到底一次入院的同一张病床上（很巧！）。
当时从这张床开始，我希望明天也会从这张床结束。

Purple Dream

I've mentioned this poem too many times, it's a poem almost 10 years when I first read it. Oddly, I couldn't forget it. By Kit Chan.

Purple Dream
In a purple dream
the sun sets and rises
Time stand still
White lilies and satin sheets
pretty laced curtains
mirror on the ceiling
faded purple wall
-a romantic rebel's dream

I'd imagine it's summer, everything golden outside. Then, a girl with long wavy hair sat by the windows in her long flowy dress. She is looking out from the purple dream, longing or perhaps waiting for something, which never came by the window.

12#8

准确来说，我之前的化疗是28天的周期。第一天和第十五天化疗一次，一个月为28天。好像初一十五那样。因此，正式结束整个治疗的日期是12月18日。

前几天，非常折腾。失眠得有点严重。

星期四将住院准备星期五的扫描。这一次像是审判之日，决定天堂地狱。因为，复发的案例其实不少，当初医生给我的判断也不是很理想。这些数据我藏在心里，喂食着那只幽幽的鬼。哪怕，命运就是残忍。

是结束还是玩笑，就看下个星期的报告了。
直到那时，暂且我不敢说我没事。

*****

与许多朋友见面，我不经意假装化疗结束非常开心。虽然，想自己一个人在家想，但却往往会给自己吓死，我还是尽量赴约、外出。世明问我到底是怎样消磨这些日子，我说阅读便少了、弹吉他也少了，但总发现时间很空白，日复一日日子就这样流失了。

我们发现，以往喜欢做的事少做了，生活好像不那么满足了。是我们懒惰，抑或人长大了有些事情已经无法满足自己了。渐渐地，我们开始不认识自己，洁莹在活着，我在看着她活着。大家眼里的我，是谁。

曾经我能为一支曲子而感到整天都很愉悦。
曾经我在看完一本书之后痛哭流涕。
如今，我们阅读无法替补心里的那片空缺。

那晚，和世明聊的这些让我怀着深深的感慨入眠。那晚，小表弟睡在我房间，临睡前问我：“大姐，你去过那些国家，常出国吗？” 我缓缓地说：“我之前常到处走哦，很好玩呢。”却在说完之后，想起和沁筠世明走过的北京上海墨尔本还有和我涉足其它地方的好友、想起当时的自己、想起大学的日子、想起曾经跟着世明国强摄影、想起从前、想起我生病。

或许，生病的不是我。

12#4

And so I posted in a thread about mentioning this hodge as a reference for jobs, this is what i asked.

I'm currently working on the application to do MA and I also wonder if mentioning this Hodge episode would benefit me or not. But like what most of you guys suggest, the academia aspect would be more of a plus point, i guess i'll mention it.

Job wise, wouldn't the employer ask why didn't i work in between the treatment period, till then i would have to come clean about the treatment?

Jen replied me:

I am a lawyer, but I do not practice employment law and am not licensed in your jurisdiction anyway, so this is not intended and should not be taken as legal advice. 

My understanding of the law in the USA: A prospective employer cannot ask you about your health history. However, I think it is a perfectly legitimate question to ask as to why you were not employed during a certain period of time. After all, the employer has no clue WHAT you were doing so they aren't directly asking an illegal question. That is EXACTLY the problem I had. It is NOT usual for a person to graduate from law school, work for a short period, and then have a large employment gap. Even if they don't ask you about it, they're probably going to be wondering about it when they look at your resume. 

I don't really know what we should do in that situation. Part of me says we should say nothing because you have no clue how someone is going to react. Part of me says if you don't say anything, the employer may make an adverse inference about you anyway. If you outright lie (I was backpacking in Europe) if the question comes up, that could be grounds for future termination.

It's a really tough situation that is pretty unique to us in the 20-30 year age range. Older folks with longer work histories have a lot more job security than we do, plus they have much more work experience that they can draw attention to. I'd been with my employer for only about 6 months when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's and had almost no work experience. It made it really tough when I tried to re-enter the job market.

Makes me wonder, how should i handle this in the future.

Losing Hair

I've seen this post on the Hodge forum, and the part about losing hair kinda appear quite funny to me:

A: I need to get your feedback because I recently met someone and I have not told him about my diagnosis or that I am undergoing treatment. What are your thoughts on what a good time would be to share this?

B: As for telling, I think it depends a lot on the person and your communication. If you start talking about things that matter early in your relationship, then I would be confident to tell him soon. But if you are just "getting to know each other" , then I would wait a bit more not to freak him out. By the way you still have you hair? Mine is still there but loosing some everyday. I think you should tell it anyway before he wants to touch your hair and gets a chunk of it by mistake ;-p

As for telling it, I would bring him some material to read, to show that you have a good prognosis. Because the word cancer sometimes freaks people out.

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12#3 Lagrima

OMFG. Chemo is over.

我真的有点反应不过来。前一两天，我还是很不适，很讨厌化疗后的副作用。我应该很开心的，却感觉不到太大的喜悦。

然后，刚才俊文从墨尔本打电话过来。

Oh man, I'm so happy your chemos are over!

我开始哭了起来。
俊文也刚毕业了。学成归来，我们都为彼此开心。

或许，因为距离很远，我才敢哭出来。比较不会丢脸。下来还要再扫描一次，如果过关我也希望早点呈交硕士申请表，还有落实带外公外婆回海南岛的计划。

婆婆刚刚在电视上看到海南岛的介绍，就打电话给我呢！

11#13

表姨结婚了。

因为我外婆大我姨婆一轮，我的表姨才大我5岁。刚才参加了她的婚礼，知道我生病的姨婆一家人、几个舅公的一家人看到我都问我一声：“好吗？”然后很有希望地向我微笑。 这些表姨、姨丈、表舅、舅母都差点把我弄哭。

表舅还抓着我说：“好了hor!”
我差点就哭出来。

除了我外公外婆舅舅阿姨都很亲，我们姨婆他们也来往甚亲。这些家人离我有点远，可是当他们得知我的病情时，都纷纷探望、祝福我；淡定却深刻。他们给予的感觉不是那种紧张的，或是忽然变得很关心的那种。

而是总带着一份义气与侠义。
他们不高谈阔论、不浮夸，而是忠肯帮助。
不领功劳，竭尽所能，行侠仗义。

那认真却有力的鼓励，总让我觉得他们简直就是江湖豪杰。