Chemo Brain

I hate to admit, but Chemobrain has set in.

It's something the scientists aren't sure and all the patients are suffering. There are many research and studies going on, but nothing very conclusive. Some even deny this term and dismiss the poor patients.

And many friends say, they too are experiencing short term memory. Oh well, many always say that but, i weren't like this before treatment. It's not compared this way. We see the difference pre and post chemo, it's not because we age suddenly.

Other than short term memories, chemobrain exemplify itself as short attention span, fatigue, memory loss etc. For me, i lose my train of thoughts easily, and I'm starting to worry for my studies. And when people lower their standards upon learning my condition, i feel degraded.

I use to have a clear mind, i could write with reason but now, i'm losing it bit by bit.
It's scary like shit.

And it's not helping after my family's observation of my behaviour change and now it's my friends.

I feel Shu's frustration.
We were robbed, our health and freedom.



PS这半年来，我一直努力地运动、手抄古文、弹吉他、阅读，Shu甚至练习开发大脑的习题，但我们仍无法摆脱命运的残酷。

Scans and Smiles

They are rudely expensive.

I'm not sure if other insurance companies cover them, but mine doesn't because i'm just on a basic plan. It really sucks when you're a young patient and all you have was just some rider's programme on your parent's insurance.

So there's 4 PET scans i've done so far apart from many CTs and Xrays.

PET measures the cellular activities of cells, so if there's cancer they are very "hyper" and you could see the images "light up", the above is black and white though. The cancer or hyper cells like our brain etc, light up too, so the big mass on top is my brain, the lumps in the mediastinal is then the cancer. And, there's the contrast drink in my bladder. Ahem.

Upon diagnosis last year June, they are so massive that the biggest tumor was measured 15x12cm, wrapping up my heart. Eventually mid-way I responded and it was clear and you can see my heart.

However, there are many scars tissue (like blobs of flesh?) inside still where cancer first occurs. They are then captured in CTs which doesn't have colours or light. You will see images of organs and remnants of the tissues.

That's why i had radiation therapy to zap them away because some says it might be good breeding grounds for relapse. Furthermore my initial tumors were bulky, so to play safe (and of course i bear the long term sides effects).

Also, some immediate chemo and rads side effects are still lingering, i've not exactly gotten back to where i used to be. The awful neuropathy, aches, fatigue, pericardial effusion etc and changes in many little areas just remind me that I've had my chemo/rads days.

Many asked, when i returned school, how am i doing. What came into my mind is the above explanation. But, it's too visual and difficult to explain.

So, i'll always say, I'm fine (?).  

When something ended starts again

It feels, empty.

Being back on campus meant something very different. It meant I lived through treatment, it meant I was all well again. Then again, it also meant I’m back to school, a student all over again. And it feels weird.

We always wanted to do our MA but everything happened too fast and too early. And the three of us are left with two. Or maybe, when things start again we expect it to be as before, hence the emptiness?

I have many plans but I dare not plan in details. I fear the uncertainty that lies beneath, like the Hodgkin’s which swept me away from my course.

Before leaving the house today, I got a postcard from my fellow uni mate. We started writing when I fell sick and stopped when things got better. She is also doing her MA but a full-time research student one year ahead of me. It was very heartwarming to have received the card just before I left home, and seeing my prof who was smiling genuinely when he learnt about my remission.

And of course, the gossips Shaun and I always share.
Eventually all the familiarity eased the emptiness earlier en route to school

But again, cancer survivors live in constant fear that, it may once again starts when it actually has ended.