Running with life

I've tried to be as regular as possible in the runs in preparation of the against cancer run in July. Somehow, with the numbness in my lower body, I sometimes wonder if I'll collapse anytime in the park.

 My shoulder ache has returned and I fear a relapse.

 I'm not sure if there is any relation in my ache with the cancer but I'm pretty sure my body has recently feels funny and different during chemo. It might be the radiation which aggravates the shoulder ache; it might be many other reasons out there.

Occasionally, I feel pains in my chest but they are so brief that I choose to ignore them. I'm not exactly very happy with life currently but I'm not exactly depressed.

Life now is surreal.

Many times, I drift in and out of dreams and I spend time waking to decide if I'm in the cancer life or the perfect life in my dreams.

 Last night I was watching this video. It made me tear, it made me cherish this wretched life because there is so many other cancer patients who didn't had the privilege to enjoy. And, I thought of Linda, and I feel ashamed to be living this life in such a manner.

But it really isn't easy. Just like the run, it's not easy for me to train like a normal person. I don't usually say things are difficult because I don't like to fail a challenge.

 This time round this run is indeed, hard.

抉择

硕士的申请表格现在静静地躺在我的床边。这个决定是在治疗快要完成的时候定下来的。当时，父母不让我在短期内工作，而我已经在我理想的生命里迟了很多很多。

我还有最后决定的机会。

犹豫的理由很简单。我不想拖延念硕士的时间因为学费已是额外开支，可是同时如果我尽量赚外快时又不能应付课业，岂不是两头不着岸？万一念不成，就真的是赔了夫人又折兵。

其实，我一直都怀疑自己念书的能力。而且经过化疗之后，记忆力真的变得很差。身体的顾虑也是一方面，因为如果复发比死还要折磨。因此，我的智商和能力或许不能应付硕士班。

我鲜少做没有把握的决定。这一次我想是一个很大的赌局。
当然，我可以就不念，然后在家里悲怜自己的不幸，继续“修养”。

Life after cancer is so hard.

但，我的原则是once decided, suck it up。
所以，我还是会念，只是这一次总觉得下一步会踏个空。

Chemo Induced Neuropathy

And I'm hoping its not managing-the-damage stage yet. 

As we all know how damaging chemotherapy is to most of the patients, many people out there don’t know exactly what the damages are. In fact, it indeed is a long and stinky list which we patients might not even know all. Different chemotherapy regimen is tailored for different kinds of cancer and different drugs damages different things in your body. Some comes almost immediately, some later in your life. 

I had ABVD chemo regimen, and V which stands for Vincristine is a substance derived from a vinca plant (see our $1 dollar coin, that damn periwinkle). It causes hair loss in chemo patients too. 

During treatment I had pretty bad tingling and numbness in my fingers. Francesca gave me the "Ah! Vincristine!" look when I told her about it. She prescribe me with vitamin B complex and didn't adjust my chemo dose. This is a classic nerve damage neuropathy from chemo drugs. 

Now that I'm 5 months post chemo, this feeling is back in my soles, calves and thighs. It may be irreversible it be not. The worst case is losing the sense of touch. :O 

Hence, it's really not like you hit the refresh button when you survive cancer. People pat your shoulder and say everything is over, but what we usually do is to smile and sigh deep down. 

那是灿烂的一趟，Emma

在我心中留下最深刻的那一场是 Blackbird。

我从来没有那么入神地看完一场无间断的舞台剧。那一场舞台剧里，只有一个台、两个人、一张桌子和两张椅子、一扇门、一口窗。女主角就是Emma。我从来不知道仅仅两个人的一出戏能让我走入人物十二岁的记忆还有此刻的激动。

台上流的眼泪，Emma，让我看得也伤心。

至此，我常会注意Emma主演的戏剧。可惜那一次，和世明、国强、沁筠看了一场明明在买票时说是Emma主演的戏剧，却在开场时发现不是她。本事上写着Emma因生病无法参与演出。我有点失望，却没想到那时是她噩梦的开始。

Emma的消息不多。直到我患病，Lily 告诉我她的事，我才发现原来她胃癌第四期也正在进行化疗。她早了我半年，在2011的9月却复发。

复发往往卧薪尝胆。

在认识sh时，我们曾讨论support group一事，提到了我们都很佩服Emma的坚持。还想过邀请她加入我们。然而，事总与愿违，在Emma离开前，sh告诉了我她其实已经在palliative care了。我真的很痛心，说得和难听，palliative care不就等于放弃，等待呼出最后一口气而已吗？我不知道我在愤怒什么，可能生气癌症的霸道。

但如果，无谓的抗争换来的只是痛，那何尝要含着痛结束呢？

轻轻地将漂亮的玻璃花瓶推倒桌角。
缓缓地跌落，
呀，结束时如此灿烂，Emma。