I'm sorry if I'm behaving weirdly

Did I change ever since getting diagnosed? I'm not exactly sure but certainly there are things which are not the same anymore. My perspectives towards some things changed and I'm going through a stage to go back to the old self all over again, so I feel weird many a times trying to do something I used to do. Sometimes it works at first try, sometimes i just couldn't.

Meeting people. Sometimes I'm not comfortable, yet sometimes I'm fine. I don't know what was the deciding factor, it's simply not consistent. Sometimes I'm eager to share, but there are instances I just don't wanna say too much about my condition.

Guess Jen managed to touch on some parts which i felt was very true:

When I was a second year law student (a couple years before I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's), a guy I knew -- he sat three seats down from me in Contracts as a 1L and was in all my first year classes -- was diagnosed with colon cancer. My inclination was to treat him as though he was EXACTLY the same guy he'd always been. Once or twice he brought up his cancer, and we chatted about it, but basically I think he appreciated being treated the same and as normal as opposed to being avoided by people who were always terrified to say the wrong thing ... 

I don't have an answer for you. But having gone through that experience, I was not surprised by how people reacted strangely when they found I had Hodgkin's ... I understood there was really nothing "right" they could say. Even when you read posts here, some people are mad that others treat them differently, others are mad that others don't acknowledge their illness ..... It CAN be very hard to be on the other side because there's no set right thing to say that applies to everyone. Me ... I liked to joke around about Hodgkin's and I didn't want to talk about my "feelings." I didn't want sympathy, just treat me the same as you always did.

RT准备开始

放射性治疗开始以前，有一系列的准备工作。昨天，我就做了一个属于自己的模。我平躺着，然后4个治疗师将我推来移去的，为我做了个cast。然后也作了个将我整个脸、肩膀的plaster mask，把握牢牢固定在模子里。

Cast 的样子是这样的，我做的是全身：

Plaster mask则长得这样：

这些照片是最“雅观”的了。除了做这些东西，也让他们在我身上画上很多记号。整个上半身都是，而且不巧的还画到喉咙底下，害我那么尴尬。

简直把握弄得像是邪教。

今天回去，做了CTscan 也顺道刺青。是真的刺青！永远都洗不掉的，还好是四个点，所以我身上现在有四个刺青。免去了那些像邪教的记号。

今天在扫描之前，要在手上set plug，好让在扫描时注射染料。有位小护士，针是插得不痛，但是却是血淋淋一片。针插好时，血是涌了出来，她急忙在找纱布，而我的血是从手滴到满桌子的。后来，她帮我擦去手掌上的血，却没发现手掌下的血迹，我还得跑去洗掉。还真有点尴尬。

擦干净了，还是有点血迹啦。

All about the looks

所以呢，化疗的病人都会爆瘦吗？不一定。瘦下来的是因为化疗呕吐，没有食欲。也有那些还是能够正常进食。不过，化疗也会爆肥的，因为有些医生会开类固醇，而这些类固醇会导致我们一直吃。

我吐完之后还是会吃，因此很幸运是体重起伏不大的那一类病人。
可是妈妈和婆婆说，我应该是会瘦的，可惜就是贪吃。
也对啦。我不记得我23年里，有很瘦的时候。

在Lymphoma forum上，曾讨论过体重和外观的话题。生病的我们，往往觉得体重问题使我们的外观上大打折扣，加上又没有头发，真的很depressing。

说真的，我在脱发的那些日子心情不是很好。有时还很气假发为什么长得那么假。不是很想外出，深怕吓着人家。可是，刚好瘦了一点，似乎许多衣服穿起来比较好看。可是头发还是一个大问题。

如今，我已经增回那是失去的几公斤了。
亲戚们都很高兴（我相信也有点不解）我看起来真的不什么变化。
Well, I still have to give credits to make up because my brows just didn't grow back.

A better cure for Hodgkin's Lymphoma

And we got some good news from the research:

http://www.primeoncology.org/2011/sandiego/csp/hl/index.html

Cancer 不出几年，你。完。了。

2011是该结束了

刚刚下午和馨滢梓江在机场的星巴克喝咖啡。

去年的今天我们在台北西门町吃晚餐。去年的今天，我们在跨年演唱会上人挤人，和五月天跨年，然后困在人群中，走了几个接运站才有办法回到酒店。

去年的今天，我站在人群中一直随五月天的音乐跳着不和谐的舞步。世明在喝布丁奶茶，我们站在户外7度的夜晚，看着101的烟火像火烧101，然后给灰烬呛了一会儿。

首半年，我们为论文而忙。可是，我们忙得开心。我们三个都参与了各自的论文。我们后来毕了业，也走到了墨尔本。墨尔本是开心的旅程，我们再一次在严寒中度过了许多日子。我们怀念上海北京、我们怀念墨尔本、我们怀念着monopoly deal的晚上。

五月天里，我们在普吉岛过着最写意的人生，尝试最刺激的水上运动。可是，一个月内，我们三个女孩子却在我诊断出癌症的那一晚在我房里哭了好一会儿。

结果诊断报告的那个下午，我们还在FISH吃午餐。琳霭在我旁边，当医生说了那该死的Hodgkin's Lymphoma。我走了出来，看见了馨滢梓江，不由得哭了出来。我摇了电话给妈妈，然后再打给恺玲大哭。够了，我不想再回忆。

后半年，许多人来探望我。惹哭了我无数次。我发现身旁人对我的爱与关心。我曾不再相信人生的美丽，我曾痛恨命运对我的残忍。可是，忘了是哪一天这一切不再重要。

虽然我还未找到人生的意义，我不能就这样死去。

九月，Linda离开了我们。我还有太多的东西还没向她说，我真正了解到死亡的无所不在。我们没有想象中的坚韧。

如今，我完成了化疗。我也再也没有力气找寻那曾有的自由。
水瓶座的我们注定穷尽一生，只为一刻的自由。

但愿明年会更好。