7#11 Living and Surviving

Charmaine has gone home to live with her family, for the remaining time she has. I was actually quite affected by the palliative measures the hospital took. Reading about so many cancer survivor's story, I imagine Charmaine will eventually be one of them. These stories are so many that sometimes, you start to believe it's going to happen on every single cancer patient. But, hey, people still die from cancer.

Every time I visit her blog, I really prayed that her condition is improving as I scroll down the page. Sometimes, when there's improvement, I'll imagine we will all be the strong cancer survivor who has a bright future ahead. She is really a cute girl. But, when I read post that says that her condition has worsen, I'll get depressed for awhile and totally hate cancer, hate everything that makes me sick.

A few weeks ago, Cyn Mommy decided to stop chemo for Charmaine. I don't how I should react, it was a really mixed feelings. I felt relieved for Charmaine as chemo really sucks, but at the same time had this tinge of sadness because chemo on Charmaine must have hurt Cyn Mommy so much that she decided to stop it.

And now they are preparing for her departure. After 2.5 years.

I do not know them personally, but reading about Charmaine and Cyn Mommy, I could really understand how they felt. I've never posted a comment or leave a msg for them, because Cyn Mommy really need more peace and rest and not entertaining people's messages.

But, like what Cyn Mommy says, I'll still believe in miracles.

未知生，焉知死。
或许，我和Charmaine大概知道“生”是怎么一回事了。

*****

近来，其实身体开始出现一些肺功能减退的症状。I'm kind of prepared for a lung damage verdict. 星期一做了肺功能检测，但愿我的肺还没有坏掉。看了一些资料，发现化疗药物中ABVD中的“B”会导致肺衰竭。

另外，胸口其实会痛，不知道是肺还是心脏有问题。因为化疗药物也会使我患上心脏疾病。所以，医生说如果胸口的痛楚没有减轻，我就要看心脏科医生了。

前几天我在想，夺我命者，或许不是癌症而是这些药物的副作用。有些人以为，化疗结束这一切就会消失。对不起，除了肺和心脏功能减退或衰竭，我也面临肝硬化、肾疾病的危险，而且是不会在化疗结束后消失的。更不用说20年后所可能出现的第二次癌症。

然后，许多人就会说，都是可能而已，不会发生。嗯，不好意思，癌症都发生了，所以我已经学会以死亡为准备。现在都出现肺有问题，不要再让我以为什么都不会发生。当初知道患上癌症的痛苦，我不想再经历一次。

我不是绝望，我还是为那些祝福与关心感到很感动。只是，有时候在告诉我一些“不会发生的啦”、“you will be fine”之类的话语时，我觉得要懂得负责任，因为事实与数据的证明就摆在眼前。我不想活在花花世界里，然后让诊断结果吓到死掉的那种人。因此大家是可以跟我谈论死亡之类的话题的。

所以，这样活着真是煎熬。

这才是我和朋友之前讨论过的“苦”。人生真的很苦。

*****

星期天，慧娟雨情恺健来看我。和他们聊天真的很开心。他们让我感觉我和这个世界还是能够接轨的。我说起一些实习的日子，好怀念。我也更了解这些朋友了。我们在学校认真了解彼此的时间很短。我能在家就会在家，不会在学校混。中文系的活动都是闪掉的。

不过，慧娟和雨情是我在中文系的第一份小组作业的组员。他们算是在中文系认识最久的朋友了。

我发现他们是如此地勇敢，来到异地念书工作。这几个总是笑嘻嘻的朋友，从不露出疲倦的样子。学业优秀，而且这么努力地为他们的生命而奋斗。就好像冰心讲的，我则是温室里的小花。或许，我话不多但我很喜欢听他们聊天。

哪天我好一点，就和雨情一起煮点东西，大家再一起喝茶聊天。