Cancer Survivor

Am I?

Suleika made me tear when i watched her speech. Did we survive cancer? It's not so simple like what the blood or scan reports says.

These days I'm really caught up with work and school work, that, I felt like i'm abusing my health. Having gone through the cancer treatments, I've learnt to rest and be forgiving to myself. I used to think we shouldn't find the easy way out even if it yields the same results because it simply doesn't make the outcome valuable.

But cancer changed me.

I'm not sure if this is something positive. However, with work and school peaking into the busy period at the same time, I think it's something good. I'm so tired everyday after work and school that i come home feeling so hungry yet too lazy to eat. At first i made it a point to eat my dinner, because i do feel hungry. Then, when the fatigue starts to accumulate, i come home with gastic pains and fatigue. And the next day I wake up feeling equally tired, but i have to go to work and act like i'm coping. It's a scary lifestyle for a cancer patient, erm, survivor. So, I've only given my bare minimum to work and school. I feel bad about it.

It's not helping in terms of performance but then again, why work so hard? Then again, when i feel really really bad, I start to abuse my body again. And the cycle goes on.

So many a times, i worry if cancer were to relapse it would be my own doing. sigh.

We may have survive cancer, but I guess we might not survive the life after cancer.
It's a joke; to survive death and not life.