Punggol

今天和sy走了走Punggol Waterway。
太阳太毒，我们有点吃不消。而且，感觉上地方不怎样，朋友们却说我们没有走完整个地方。

我们俩在回程聊起了sy的另外一个朋友。
她的癌症复发了，扩散到了骨髓。

常听sy提起她，她年仅22却如此煎熬。我们也忆起了治疗的日子，皆不寒而栗。sy还有4轮的治疗，她语气里的淡然听起来很sian。

我们都知道。
Cancer sucks.

Scanxiety

And my 3 month scan was over.
Now i'm worried about the results.

It's been 2 days and my doctor didn't call me. I don't know if I should be worried. If it was Francesca, she would text me and let me know the results first thing she got them.

Maybe, I should give them a ring instead.

Anyway, I realised nobody really knew how treatment was decided for me and where i were progressing. And of course the future, what a cancer patient should do.

YES. Things doesn't end.

The orange underlined route is what I've taken so far.

And this is what is in store for me for the rest of my life.

How tiring. :/

检查驿站1

现在的病房里，灯已熄。窗外的夜景看得到Pinnacle和Keppal的高架集装箱。这个风景不是我常住院看得到的，因为这一次我给医院分配到其他病房，不是我常住、很熟悉 Heamatology。 

我有点想念在住院时期认识的朋友。

Mdm Leung 常常陪我聊天至深夜。我们都迟睡，病房总是暗暗的，只留我们俩在聊天。然而现在的夜，只有我一人对这电脑。其他人似乎病得很重，都昏睡了。

Linda的那把声音在我耳边响起。她则是我早晨醒来时，灿烂向我问好的朋友。有时我真的会幻想，如果她还在我们一定是好朋友。

这一次住院是完成癌症疗程三个月的第一个检查。然而，它意义深远。Hodgkin's 的复发率是随时间减低的。所以，这是我的第一个检查驿站。

故作轻松。

在这之前，我和Marina隔着大西洋都在担心着最坏的结果。今天，她告诉我她的扫描结果依然干净。而明天就是我了。

Hope Marina will pass her good luck to me. 

Wish me luck. 

Happy Birthday?

Tomorrow is the 1 year mark for me being diagnosed. I felt like a year ago i died on this very day and one year later I'm still here. What i fear is history repeating itself on the same date every year. I get so stressed up, i tear a little.

I'm due for a PET end of the month and it's stressing me out. I start to behave like the PET is the armageddon day and i must live my life now and i start getting crazy and busy, trying to make myself feel alive.

It's scary. Really scary.  

But if I died a year ago, today also marks my rebirth.
Happy Birthday?

Music-less period

As I read Suleika's post about her cancer and music I was very impressed by her. Not only was she a strong person and always write stuff which struck the same chord in my heart, she was also a fine musician.

Juilliard. I remember it was my friend's dream college.

How she described the period when we got diagnosed and we stop playing the music we once loved. I even avoided listening to music and left my guitar collecting dust in the corner of my room. It was very complicated, I knew music could calm the anger in me but I didn't want to "spoil" anything i had previously.

She wrote,

Last spring, one year out of college, I found myself once again commuting from upstate to the big city. Same train, same route. But this time I was on my way to see an oncologist. I was 22 and I had just been given a diagnosis of acute myeloid leukemia. My relationship with music changed abruptly. I no longer had the stamina or the interest in playing the bass. And once I entered the hospital to begin my intensive chemotherapy treatments, I stopped listening to music altogether.

In this post she also mentioned, her friend brought the entire jazz band into the ward.

And I remember one night at SGH, i had almost a 10 piece NUS wind Sym band in my ward, sitting around me. They didn't have their instruments but they sat there cheering me up with all sorts of jokes and conversations. We shared all the fruits my visitors got for me. Actually i didn't have any appetite but i joined in the session simply i felt "happier" at that point of time.

I may not have the music, but that night was equally pleasant as compared to Suleika's surprised performance.

I finally picked up my guitar towards the end of treatment and now I've resume guitar lessons.
<3 the musicians in my life.