我们相见刚刚好

“若我有天不見了　或許你會比較快樂
雖然有萬般捨不得　也不願看你難割捨
若我有天不在了　請你原諒我的困擾
雖然你給我的不算少　只是我沒福氣要”

謝謝你

你的那一席話揭露了我拼命掩飾的傷疤。

我何嘗不知道，可是你抓緊我正視了這一切脆弱。

親愛的，你的世界沒有別人。

我的世界是我的投射，世間有沒有巧合，我有幸認識你。

這樣的相識，不是機遇。

冥冥中，我們有緣出現今天的對話，我需要正視某些東西。

獨立和被愛是能夠同時存在的。

我知道，可是我還無法internalise。

從生病到現在，我或許已經能夠有足夠的勇氣回首。

謝謝你。

This is Me.

Saw this sentence on the board:

"While cancer shouldn't define me, it remains an undeniable part of who I have become."

When it comes to relationship, some friends noticed my insecurities and reluctance to move into one. And when I declined a nice person previously just after my treatment, my best friend actually tell me I shouldn't decline with the reason for being sick.

Come on, it's such a big part of me and i just think it was indeed part of the reason!

Though the other half of the reason was because I didn't feel the spark, it made me come to understand that I cannot vanquish this part of myself. It will always be part of me and i don't think mentioning cancer is an excuse, it's a right that come with me after all those torture.

I demand it a right.

Though i'm kinda anti-marriage, i value a lot when it comes to love between two individual. It is a very remarkable deal when two separate individuals come together by an unnamed attraction and stay by each other through  thick and thin.

And it's normal for every single one to desire love and affection.

Before the big C strikes me, I already doesn't believe in marriage, but after cancer left, i see love and relationship from another light. Love and relationships can never be simple for cancer patients and survivors, while many obstacles stand in the way in many relationships, ours will always be shadowed by the ominous uncertainty of death. It is stressful and complicated, not easy to deal with.

Then again, who doesn't hope that there will always be someone special who is willing to hold your hands to brave the uncertainty?

Not many can and have the capacity to love a cancer patient, and we are absolutely fine with that because many times we hated that part of ourselves too.

So, who's up?

还是和以前一样吗？

今天我回到医院做CT Scan时，发现医院有些地方已经改变了。最后一次到医院来也是好几个月前的事了。

走着走着，有些转角非常熟悉。
那种心情很奇怪。

有些医护人员很眼熟，可是毕竟他们都不是我之前的Chemo护士，感觉好像没有有那么照顾我。忽然我想起一位我在block 7病房里的护士，那一天早上她抱着痛哭的我，摸摸我还未脱落的长发。

今天，帮我扎针的护士问我做过CT吗？我心里打了个寒颤，之前做过无数次比这个还夸张的扫描和手术呢。我说，有啊，之前不需要扎针，用我化疗的管子。护士抿了唇，问我化疗很辛苦吧。我说，对啊好恐怖呢。

昨天，我告诉了一位同事，我之前患癌的事。她一定是不知道该怎么反应，但是我相信公司里还是有许多人在公事以外，能交的好朋友。

结果下个月才会出来。

我还是以前的我吗？

Negative

The keyword here is "negative."

Marina text me in the morning and said that her scan came back NEGATIVE. I'm so happy so happy so happy. It was actually a thymus rebound and not a relapse. 

Thank Goodness.

It's the worse scare in our lives to receive a positive scan. 

We live a negative life, unlike others. 

xoxo

Cancer Survivor

Am I?

Suleika made me tear when i watched her speech. Did we survive cancer? It's not so simple like what the blood or scan reports says.

These days I'm really caught up with work and school work, that, I felt like i'm abusing my health. Having gone through the cancer treatments, I've learnt to rest and be forgiving to myself. I used to think we shouldn't find the easy way out even if it yields the same results because it simply doesn't make the outcome valuable.

But cancer changed me.

I'm not sure if this is something positive. However, with work and school peaking into the busy period at the same time, I think it's something good. I'm so tired everyday after work and school that i come home feeling so hungry yet too lazy to eat. At first i made it a point to eat my dinner, because i do feel hungry. Then, when the fatigue starts to accumulate, i come home with gastic pains and fatigue. And the next day I wake up feeling equally tired, but i have to go to work and act like i'm coping. It's a scary lifestyle for a cancer patient, erm, survivor. So, I've only given my bare minimum to work and school. I feel bad about it.

It's not helping in terms of performance but then again, why work so hard? Then again, when i feel really really bad, I start to abuse my body again. And the cycle goes on.

So many a times, i worry if cancer were to relapse it would be my own doing. sigh.

We may have survive cancer, but I guess we might not survive the life after cancer.
It's a joke; to survive death and not life.

迷惘

其实雨过不一定会天晴，风平不一定会浪静。

难道我们还不知道这个道理吗？曾经在死亡边缘绕了一圈，我和Marina庆幸我们活着回来了。以为一切将渐渐远去，我们或许会踏上未来的旅程，却怎么知，Marina停下了脚步。

她告诉我，她复发了。
我的心跌入万丈深渊，她在和我开玩笑吗？

或许，当我得知时，已经过了一个星期，她的情绪已经平复了许多。向我说起时，只有淡淡的无奈。我不知道要怎告诉她，一切会没事，因为我自己也没有把握。

有时，不是怕死掉，而是治疗的痛苦。
那么艰辛。

想告诉她我工作了的消息，却搁在了一旁。I know how it feels when the entire world is moving forward, and you are stuck in the most miserable stage of life.

It's gonna be transplant.

我们俩可说是同病相怜，因为之前的治疗情况都很接近。虽然我们之间隔着10个小时的时差，我们还是能够聊天，说着多数人听不懂的医学用词。

我感到很迷惘，也很不知所措。
Marina你比我想象中坚强许多。