还是和以前一样吗？

今天我回到医院做CT Scan时，发现医院有些地方已经改变了。最后一次到医院来也是好几个月前的事了。

走着走着，有些转角非常熟悉。
那种心情很奇怪。

有些医护人员很眼熟，可是毕竟他们都不是我之前的Chemo护士，感觉好像没有有那么照顾我。忽然我想起一位我在block 7病房里的护士，那一天早上她抱着痛哭的我，摸摸我还未脱落的长发。

今天，帮我扎针的护士问我做过CT吗？我心里打了个寒颤，之前做过无数次比这个还夸张的扫描和手术呢。我说，有啊，之前不需要扎针，用我化疗的管子。护士抿了唇，问我化疗很辛苦吧。我说，对啊好恐怖呢。

昨天，我告诉了一位同事，我之前患癌的事。她一定是不知道该怎么反应，但是我相信公司里还是有许多人在公事以外，能交的好朋友。

结果下个月才会出来。

我还是以前的我吗？

Negative

The keyword here is "negative."

Marina text me in the morning and said that her scan came back NEGATIVE. I'm so happy so happy so happy. It was actually a thymus rebound and not a relapse. 

Thank Goodness.

It's the worse scare in our lives to receive a positive scan. 

We live a negative life, unlike others. 

xoxo

Cancer Survivor

Am I?

Suleika made me tear when i watched her speech. Did we survive cancer? It's not so simple like what the blood or scan reports says.

These days I'm really caught up with work and school work, that, I felt like i'm abusing my health. Having gone through the cancer treatments, I've learnt to rest and be forgiving to myself. I used to think we shouldn't find the easy way out even if it yields the same results because it simply doesn't make the outcome valuable.

But cancer changed me.

I'm not sure if this is something positive. However, with work and school peaking into the busy period at the same time, I think it's something good. I'm so tired everyday after work and school that i come home feeling so hungry yet too lazy to eat. At first i made it a point to eat my dinner, because i do feel hungry. Then, when the fatigue starts to accumulate, i come home with gastic pains and fatigue. And the next day I wake up feeling equally tired, but i have to go to work and act like i'm coping. It's a scary lifestyle for a cancer patient, erm, survivor. So, I've only given my bare minimum to work and school. I feel bad about it.

It's not helping in terms of performance but then again, why work so hard? Then again, when i feel really really bad, I start to abuse my body again. And the cycle goes on.

So many a times, i worry if cancer were to relapse it would be my own doing. sigh.

We may have survive cancer, but I guess we might not survive the life after cancer.
It's a joke; to survive death and not life.

迷惘

其实雨过不一定会天晴，风平不一定会浪静。

难道我们还不知道这个道理吗？曾经在死亡边缘绕了一圈，我和Marina庆幸我们活着回来了。以为一切将渐渐远去，我们或许会踏上未来的旅程，却怎么知，Marina停下了脚步。

她告诉我，她复发了。
我的心跌入万丈深渊，她在和我开玩笑吗？

或许，当我得知时，已经过了一个星期，她的情绪已经平复了许多。向我说起时，只有淡淡的无奈。我不知道要怎告诉她，一切会没事，因为我自己也没有把握。

有时，不是怕死掉，而是治疗的痛苦。
那么艰辛。

想告诉她我工作了的消息，却搁在了一旁。I know how it feels when the entire world is moving forward, and you are stuck in the most miserable stage of life.

It's gonna be transplant.

我们俩可说是同病相怜，因为之前的治疗情况都很接近。虽然我们之间隔着10个小时的时差，我们还是能够聊天，说着多数人听不懂的医学用词。

我感到很迷惘，也很不知所措。
Marina你比我想象中坚强许多。

Chemo Brain

I hate to admit, but Chemobrain has set in.

It's something the scientists aren't sure and all the patients are suffering. There are many research and studies going on, but nothing very conclusive. Some even deny this term and dismiss the poor patients.

And many friends say, they too are experiencing short term memory. Oh well, many always say that but, i weren't like this before treatment. It's not compared this way. We see the difference pre and post chemo, it's not because we age suddenly.

Other than short term memories, chemobrain exemplify itself as short attention span, fatigue, memory loss etc. For me, i lose my train of thoughts easily, and I'm starting to worry for my studies. And when people lower their standards upon learning my condition, i feel degraded.

I use to have a clear mind, i could write with reason but now, i'm losing it bit by bit.
It's scary like shit.

And it's not helping after my family's observation of my behaviour change and now it's my friends.

I feel Shu's frustration.
We were robbed, our health and freedom.



PS这半年来，我一直努力地运动、手抄古文、弹吉他、阅读，Shu甚至练习开发大脑的习题，但我们仍无法摆脱命运的残酷。

Scans and Smiles

They are rudely expensive.

I'm not sure if other insurance companies cover them, but mine doesn't because i'm just on a basic plan. It really sucks when you're a young patient and all you have was just some rider's programme on your parent's insurance.

So there's 4 PET scans i've done so far apart from many CTs and Xrays.

PET measures the cellular activities of cells, so if there's cancer they are very "hyper" and you could see the images "light up", the above is black and white though. The cancer or hyper cells like our brain etc, light up too, so the big mass on top is my brain, the lumps in the mediastinal is then the cancer. And, there's the contrast drink in my bladder. Ahem.

Upon diagnosis last year June, they are so massive that the biggest tumor was measured 15x12cm, wrapping up my heart. Eventually mid-way I responded and it was clear and you can see my heart.

However, there are many scars tissue (like blobs of flesh?) inside still where cancer first occurs. They are then captured in CTs which doesn't have colours or light. You will see images of organs and remnants of the tissues.

That's why i had radiation therapy to zap them away because some says it might be good breeding grounds for relapse. Furthermore my initial tumors were bulky, so to play safe (and of course i bear the long term sides effects).

Also, some immediate chemo and rads side effects are still lingering, i've not exactly gotten back to where i used to be. The awful neuropathy, aches, fatigue, pericardial effusion etc and changes in many little areas just remind me that I've had my chemo/rads days.

Many asked, when i returned school, how am i doing. What came into my mind is the above explanation. But, it's too visual and difficult to explain.

So, i'll always say, I'm fine (?).  

When something ended starts again

It feels, empty.

Being back on campus meant something very different. It meant I lived through treatment, it meant I was all well again. Then again, it also meant I’m back to school, a student all over again. And it feels weird.

We always wanted to do our MA but everything happened too fast and too early. And the three of us are left with two. Or maybe, when things start again we expect it to be as before, hence the emptiness?

I have many plans but I dare not plan in details. I fear the uncertainty that lies beneath, like the Hodgkin’s which swept me away from my course.

Before leaving the house today, I got a postcard from my fellow uni mate. We started writing when I fell sick and stopped when things got better. She is also doing her MA but a full-time research student one year ahead of me. It was very heartwarming to have received the card just before I left home, and seeing my prof who was smiling genuinely when he learnt about my remission.

And of course, the gossips Shaun and I always share.
Eventually all the familiarity eased the emptiness earlier en route to school

But again, cancer survivors live in constant fear that, it may once again starts when it actually has ended.