Chemo Brain

I hate to admit, but Chemobrain has set in.

It's something the scientists aren't sure and all the patients are suffering. There are many research and studies going on, but nothing very conclusive. Some even deny this term and dismiss the poor patients.

And many friends say, they too are experiencing short term memory. Oh well, many always say that but, i weren't like this before treatment. It's not compared this way. We see the difference pre and post chemo, it's not because we age suddenly.

Other than short term memories, chemobrain exemplify itself as short attention span, fatigue, memory loss etc. For me, i lose my train of thoughts easily, and I'm starting to worry for my studies. And when people lower their standards upon learning my condition, i feel degraded.

I use to have a clear mind, i could write with reason but now, i'm losing it bit by bit.
It's scary like shit.

And it's not helping after my family's observation of my behaviour change and now it's my friends.

I feel Shu's frustration.
We were robbed, our health and freedom.



PS这半年来，我一直努力地运动、手抄古文、弹吉他、阅读，Shu甚至练习开发大脑的习题，但我们仍无法摆脱命运的残酷。

Scans and Smiles

They are rudely expensive.

I'm not sure if other insurance companies cover them, but mine doesn't because i'm just on a basic plan. It really sucks when you're a young patient and all you have was just some rider's programme on your parent's insurance.

So there's 4 PET scans i've done so far apart from many CTs and Xrays.

PET measures the cellular activities of cells, so if there's cancer they are very "hyper" and you could see the images "light up", the above is black and white though. The cancer or hyper cells like our brain etc, light up too, so the big mass on top is my brain, the lumps in the mediastinal is then the cancer. And, there's the contrast drink in my bladder. Ahem.

Upon diagnosis last year June, they are so massive that the biggest tumor was measured 15x12cm, wrapping up my heart. Eventually mid-way I responded and it was clear and you can see my heart.

However, there are many scars tissue (like blobs of flesh?) inside still where cancer first occurs. They are then captured in CTs which doesn't have colours or light. You will see images of organs and remnants of the tissues.

That's why i had radiation therapy to zap them away because some says it might be good breeding grounds for relapse. Furthermore my initial tumors were bulky, so to play safe (and of course i bear the long term sides effects).

Also, some immediate chemo and rads side effects are still lingering, i've not exactly gotten back to where i used to be. The awful neuropathy, aches, fatigue, pericardial effusion etc and changes in many little areas just remind me that I've had my chemo/rads days.

Many asked, when i returned school, how am i doing. What came into my mind is the above explanation. But, it's too visual and difficult to explain.

So, i'll always say, I'm fine (?).  

When something ended starts again

It feels, empty.

Being back on campus meant something very different. It meant I lived through treatment, it meant I was all well again. Then again, it also meant I’m back to school, a student all over again. And it feels weird.

We always wanted to do our MA but everything happened too fast and too early. And the three of us are left with two. Or maybe, when things start again we expect it to be as before, hence the emptiness?

I have many plans but I dare not plan in details. I fear the uncertainty that lies beneath, like the Hodgkin’s which swept me away from my course.

Before leaving the house today, I got a postcard from my fellow uni mate. We started writing when I fell sick and stopped when things got better. She is also doing her MA but a full-time research student one year ahead of me. It was very heartwarming to have received the card just before I left home, and seeing my prof who was smiling genuinely when he learnt about my remission.

And of course, the gossips Shaun and I always share.
Eventually all the familiarity eased the emptiness earlier en route to school

But again, cancer survivors live in constant fear that, it may once again starts when it actually has ended.

释怀了一些遗憾

上个星期，我们征服了那10公里。

心头有点释怀。

总是无法见Linda最后一面，我心里头很不是滋味。有点遗憾，有点不舍。可是，她留在我记忆里的是一个开朗健康积极的病人。我想这10公里就送给她，当做一份礼物。

在踩上终点线时，许多人许多事在脑海里闪过。

回到家里，我告诉Lily我终于跑完了，她非常骄傲地恭喜我。也写了封电邮给Dr Yeoh, 他也回了我。

10公里对许多人来说或许不是什么挑战，但我大病初愈，其实肺功能还没有恢复，加上本来就有哮喘的我来说，算是一种成就吧？其实连我自己也害怕途中有什么不妥。

过去了，这期待已久的10公里。
还有，对Linda的那份惋惜。

For you

我在HL Forum上写了这些：

For you.

Hello all, i'm going to run a 10k run this coming Sunday and it's an annual run organised by the Cancer Society in Singapore, called Run against Cancer. I'm 6 months post treatment and this run (not very far though haha) means quite a bit to me.

In this cancer journey, i'm very lucky to have found this forum and make many fellow friends at the haematology centre. Especially my first cancer buddy who passed away and i didn't even made it to her funeral, i wanna run this race for her. Also, for every single here who gave me support in many ways. I always feel at home reading everything you guy write here and I'm grateful of you guys even i've never really speak to many here. heh.

And also knowing @ultimax who is also form Singapore and we have finally setup the young adult cancer support group! And @hazelnut who is sharing my problems and our girly chats on whatsapp. jasmine, liz, jo, jen, stan, and many old peeps who always write insightful post to encourage and assure us.

I was telling my rad onc about my run and he was delighted to hear that i'm so active. so many people i'm grateful to, my medical team my doctors and you.

So i'm dedicating this run to, you.

他们都好可爱，回了我：


you go girl. We're all behind you (and with you in spirit)!!
with love and affection,
JanAlicia

“That's great Eriko! Keeping fit is an important part of minimizing long term health risks from treatment, and it's great to do a race for such a worthwhile cause. Good luck!


我亲爱的Marina：
Love it
Totally awesome, I am so proud of you!
Good luck today!
Xoxo


Jasmine:Good on you Eriko and its good to hear you must be feeling pretty good these days
My son did a 5k fun run last weekend. This is one of the positives to come out of the whole thing because he never exercised before.
Wishing you all the best for your run xx

我最喜欢ceb的：

Thank you Eriko. You're so sweet. Run like the wind. Take care.
carol

 乘着风耶。哈哈。

还有Linda，这个送给你。
Sy，你好了我们下次一起跑。

还有所有的朋友家人，谢谢你们这些日子的照顾。 :)

救赎

今天，Dr Yeoh在翻阅我的病历案时，微笑地告诉我，我完成治疗快半年了，时光荏苒呀。我看着他在纸上密密麻麻地写着字，回想碰见他的第一天，我还戴着beanie、口罩，病恹恹地坐在轮椅上。他看不清楚我的样子。

后来，出院了，回来复诊时，我戴着长长的假发。他说，终于看清楚我的模样了。接着的两个月，我不再戴假发。以自然卷的短发推开办公室的门时，他眼睛张了张，微笑，似乎再一次看清楚我的模样。

他常常很细心地看诊，之前还长达45分钟。因为当时，我得做一个重要的决定，放射性治疗的利与弊他细细道来。也会在医院的电梯遇见时，问我今天好不好要去哪里。

渐渐的，我不再是棘手的案例，他也没什么可和我聊了。然而今天，我告诉他我要跑马拉松（也不算，才十公里）他woah了好几次，重复了"it's definitely highly recommendable"，并非常佩服，才过了六个月我就恢复了体力。

其实，在化疗期间，我也有慢跑，Francesca 鼓励我继续运动，不要变得懒惰。当然，这一次的10公里，对我意义深远。我不是为了自己，也为了其他人。

在推开Dr Yeoh办公室的门离开之前，他叫住了我，问我马拉松是几时。我说了来临的星期天，他再一次报以我熟悉的微笑，祝我好运。

我很庆幸有Francesca, Dr Yeoh, 和 Dr Lao 的照顾。
他们救活了我。

不堪回首

一年了。 

累积了24年的回忆，我不曾害怕那一段回忆，因为每一段各有各的味道。然而，过去一年的味道很苦，也倒胃。偶尔想起，还残余作呕的冲动。那段药物充斥每一天的日子，手指变紫、寸发不生的昼夜，掺杂了悲凉和自怜。 

而今，我为着未来而厌倦。当大家都说，这些担心都是枉费心思的，因为未知始终是未知。可是他们总是不了解，我们已无力承受多一次如此的煎熬。可是漫漫人生，我们或许会再遇上一次与病魔的交战。

 一切还未结束，他人却故作轻松还是真的相信，我们的战役到此为止？ 

有时，让我们失望的是，没有一个人愿意分担我们的忧愁，却说“一切已经过去了”。往往，我们只是轻轻苦叹，我们凭什么要讲忧愁加注于他人；因为还没发生，人们擅长闪避还未发生的难题呀。


PET/CT 报告结果理想。
 一切安好。