要黏假的眼睫毛都不可以，对吧？
哈哈。I was telling Kai Ling, I look like Lord Voldemont now. -_-!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
8#6
化疗还有4次。
这一次化疗过后，第三天我无法正常呼吸。感觉像是跑完了步，久久无法喘过气来。呼吸道受阻和喘不过气的分别，如果你患有哮喘就会知道差别在哪儿。非常不巧，yours truly小时候就患有哮喘，大概中学时期就不再发作。或许是吹trombone多少有点锻炼。我这种情况大多医生都说是childhood asthma并无大碍。毕竟，家里有eczema的基因，而哮喘和eczema是有关系的。
重点是这一喘持续了一整天。
随后，看了医生，她觉得不妙因为我一个月前就有胸口不适的症状。所以她让我做了CT chest High-resolution、肺功能测试、心脏超声波扫描。昨天，在扫描时医护人员就说，我肺积水。
化疗药物会导致心、肺、肝的损坏，所以一开始在化疗前医生就告诉我了。然而，许多人的内脏都不会衰竭，我有够衰。现在，医生要查出到底是心脏还是肺出现问题，星期五我们再做商讨，是否要减轻化疗的药物。
在家里，只能坐着或慢慢地走来走去而已。
要好好弹一支Asturias都这么难！*生气！
这一次化疗过后，第三天我无法正常呼吸。感觉像是跑完了步，久久无法喘过气来。呼吸道受阻和喘不过气的分别，如果你患有哮喘就会知道差别在哪儿。非常不巧，yours truly小时候就患有哮喘，大概中学时期就不再发作。或许是吹trombone多少有点锻炼。我这种情况大多医生都说是childhood asthma并无大碍。毕竟，家里有eczema的基因，而哮喘和eczema是有关系的。
重点是这一喘持续了一整天。
随后，看了医生，她觉得不妙因为我一个月前就有胸口不适的症状。所以她让我做了CT chest High-resolution、肺功能测试、心脏超声波扫描。昨天，在扫描时医护人员就说，我肺积水。
化疗药物会导致心、肺、肝的损坏，所以一开始在化疗前医生就告诉我了。然而，许多人的内脏都不会衰竭，我有够衰。现在，医生要查出到底是心脏还是肺出现问题，星期五我们再做商讨，是否要减轻化疗的药物。
在家里，只能坐着或慢慢地走来走去而已。
要好好弹一支Asturias都这么难！*生气！
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
7#11 Living and Surviving
Charmaine has gone home to live with her family, for the remaining time she has. I was actually quite affected by the palliative measures the hospital took. Reading about so many cancer survivor's story, I imagine Charmaine will eventually be one of them. These stories are so many that sometimes, you start to believe it's going to happen on every single cancer patient. But, hey, people still die from cancer.
Every time I visit her blog, I really prayed that her condition is improving as I scroll down the page. Sometimes, when there's improvement, I'll imagine we will all be the strong cancer survivor who has a bright future ahead. She is really a cute girl. But, when I read post that says that her condition has worsen, I'll get depressed for awhile and totally hate cancer, hate everything that makes me sick.
A few weeks ago, Cyn Mommy decided to stop chemo for Charmaine. I don't how I should react, it was a really mixed feelings. I felt relieved for Charmaine as chemo really sucks, but at the same time had this tinge of sadness because chemo on Charmaine must have hurt Cyn Mommy so much that she decided to stop it.
And now they are preparing for her departure. After 2.5 years.
I do not know them personally, but reading about Charmaine and Cyn Mommy, I could really understand how they felt. I've never posted a comment or leave a msg for them, because Cyn Mommy really need more peace and rest and not entertaining people's messages.
But, like what Cyn Mommy says, I'll still believe in miracles.
未知生，焉知死。
或许，我和Charmaine大概知道“生”是怎么一回事了。
Every time I visit her blog, I really prayed that her condition is improving as I scroll down the page. Sometimes, when there's improvement, I'll imagine we will all be the strong cancer survivor who has a bright future ahead. She is really a cute girl. But, when I read post that says that her condition has worsen, I'll get depressed for awhile and totally hate cancer, hate everything that makes me sick.
A few weeks ago, Cyn Mommy decided to stop chemo for Charmaine. I don't how I should react, it was a really mixed feelings. I felt relieved for Charmaine as chemo really sucks, but at the same time had this tinge of sadness because chemo on Charmaine must have hurt Cyn Mommy so much that she decided to stop it.
And now they are preparing for her departure. After 2.5 years.
I do not know them personally, but reading about Charmaine and Cyn Mommy, I could really understand how they felt. I've never posted a comment or leave a msg for them, because Cyn Mommy really need more peace and rest and not entertaining people's messages.
But, like what Cyn Mommy says, I'll still believe in miracles.
未知生，焉知死。
或许，我和Charmaine大概知道“生”是怎么一回事了。
*****
近来，其实身体开始出现一些肺功能减退的症状。I'm kind of prepared for a lung damage verdict. 星期一做了肺功能检测，但愿我的肺还没有坏掉。看了一些资料，发现化疗药物中ABVD中的“B”会导致肺衰竭。
另外，胸口其实会痛，不知道是肺还是心脏有问题。因为化疗药物也会使我患上心脏疾病。所以，医生说如果胸口的痛楚没有减轻，我就要看心脏科医生了。
前几天我在想，夺我命者，或许不是癌症而是这些药物的副作用。有些人以为，化疗结束这一切就会消失。对不起，除了肺和心脏功能减退或衰竭，我也面临肝硬化、肾疾病的危险，而且是不会在化疗结束后消失的。更不用说20年后所可能出现的第二次癌症。
然后，许多人就会说，都是可能而已，不会发生。嗯，不好意思，癌症都发生了，所以我已经学会以死亡为准备。现在都出现肺有问题，不要再让我以为什么都不会发生。当初知道患上癌症的痛苦，我不想再经历一次。
我不是绝望，我还是为那些祝福与关心感到很感动。只是，有时候在告诉我一些“不会发生的啦”、“you will be fine”之类的话语时，我觉得要懂得负责任，因为事实与数据的证明就摆在眼前。我不想活在花花世界里，然后让诊断结果吓到死掉的那种人。因此大家是可以跟我谈论死亡之类的话题的。
所以，这样活着真是煎熬。
这才是我和朋友之前讨论过的“苦”。人生真的很苦。
*****
星期天，慧娟雨情恺健来看我。和他们聊天真的很开心。他们让我感觉我和这个世界还是能够接轨的。我说起一些实习的日子，好怀念。我也更了解这些朋友了。我们在学校认真了解彼此的时间很短。我能在家就会在家，不会在学校混。中文系的活动都是闪掉的。
不过，慧娟和雨情是我在中文系的第一份小组作业的组员。他们算是在中文系认识最久的朋友了。
我发现他们是如此地勇敢，来到异地念书工作。这几个总是笑嘻嘻的朋友，从不露出疲倦的样子。学业优秀，而且这么努力地为他们的生命而奋斗。就好像冰心讲的，我则是温室里的小花。或许，我话不多但我很喜欢听他们聊天。
哪天我好一点，就和雨情一起煮点东西，大家再一起喝茶聊天。
7#9 John Williams
Recently, I stopped playing the guitar for awhile. I'm not sure if i'm getting lazier each day staying at home, or trying too hard to pretend I love cooking, reading and playing guitar during this period of treatment, thus, I'm tired.
I have loads of music which I can't play in perfection, so many etudes to complete, tone to improve, fingerings to familiarise. Worse of all, I can't remember a 3 page piece at all. Call me a guitarist, man.
Maybe not just guitar, I've stopped listening to music as well. Books too, I'm reading very very very slowly. And so I wonder, how did i spend my day away when I'm home alone.
Last night, I decided to play the John William album I bought before flying to Melbourne for my grad trip. After the trip I was immediately hospitalised and everything flooded in like I was living another person's life. Then, i remembered this album.
I'm not sure if i was listening intensely, but when the CD reached tracked 2 Cavatina, I was already crying very hard. All these pieces were pieces I use to play. My all time guitar friend said the music must have touched me. Yea, I guess so. I remembered a lot of things, and I felt very bad neglecting my guitar for so long.
After this coming chemo, I'll try to play Asturias again.
I have loads of music which I can't play in perfection, so many etudes to complete, tone to improve, fingerings to familiarise. Worse of all, I can't remember a 3 page piece at all. Call me a guitarist, man.
Maybe not just guitar, I've stopped listening to music as well. Books too, I'm reading very very very slowly. And so I wonder, how did i spend my day away when I'm home alone.
Last night, I decided to play the John William album I bought before flying to Melbourne for my grad trip. After the trip I was immediately hospitalised and everything flooded in like I was living another person's life. Then, i remembered this album.
I'm not sure if i was listening intensely, but when the CD reached tracked 2 Cavatina, I was already crying very hard. All these pieces were pieces I use to play. My all time guitar friend said the music must have touched me. Yea, I guess so. I remembered a lot of things, and I felt very bad neglecting my guitar for so long.
After this coming chemo, I'll try to play Asturias again.
Friday, September 30, 2011
7#7
第七次化疗过后的第三天，我竟然能吃。可能是期待已久的Pot luck使我万分期待，如此兴奋使我都撑住所有恶心想吐的不适。
再一次，大家聚在我家，并带来了一些事物。我在煮米粉时，有点难过。因为，我尝不到味道。我无法煮出好吃的米粉，因为我真的不知道少了什么味道。其它都是凭感觉。可是，一直以来，我鲜少仔细地试味道。过去的自己对于调味都依赖感觉与分量。然而，当自己无法吃出什么味道时，反倒连平时的感觉也没信心去依靠了。
说真的，我觉得米粉煮得不好。
不过，大家也带来了其它很美味的食物！调味方面我无法评价，但口感我还吃得出。大家的食物都很有心思、都很好吃啊！
恺玲妈妈为我们做的agar agar，kopi 和kopiO味。
这个我们几个之间的笑话，只有我们懂。
不过，那天最epic的笑话是凯铭的一个问题：
这样的心照不宣很温馨，也很隽永。不是什么刺激的味道，而是温醇的、淡淡的长留在心底。偶尔，想想在初院的过往，是这些朋友的陪伴让许多事没那么苦。
再一次，大家聚在我家，并带来了一些事物。我在煮米粉时，有点难过。因为，我尝不到味道。我无法煮出好吃的米粉，因为我真的不知道少了什么味道。其它都是凭感觉。可是，一直以来，我鲜少仔细地试味道。过去的自己对于调味都依赖感觉与分量。然而，当自己无法吃出什么味道时，反倒连平时的感觉也没信心去依靠了。
说真的，我觉得米粉煮得不好。
不过，大家也带来了其它很美味的食物！调味方面我无法评价，但口感我还吃得出。大家的食物都很有心思、都很好吃啊！
恺玲妈妈为我们做的agar agar，kopi 和kopiO味。
米粉。叹。
容成的法国土司。
有午餐肉、金枪鱼、芝士口味。
凯铭的Pork stew。
肉真的很嫩！味道也不错，改掉了一贯sea salt满满的作风。呵呵。
他赶来时，汗流像落雨，大家都知道他花了很多心思。
琬菁的蜜汁橙汁鸡翅。
我吃得到orange zest耶！
大家聊天比较少，因为大家都给电视的《中华英雄》郑伊健给迷倒了。尤其是在自由女神像打斗的那一幕，经典到不行。这部电影至少有十年了。风韵依旧。
然后，琬菁和容成给我带来一个惊喜。
我真的吓到了。
熊掌！
蛮搞笑的。看久了，我还觉得很可爱呢。这俩个学长总是喜欢给我买熊猫的礼物。*害羞* 我其实很感动，大家会买一些小东西却意义深长的礼物给我，为我加油。我都知道大家那份关心，可是大家真的太熟了，有些客套的话已经不重要了。
这个我们几个之间的笑话，只有我们懂。
不过，那天最epic的笑话是凯铭的一个问题：
那个，5566的主唱，那个什么。。。孙。。孙中山。一阵狂笑之后，我们也忘了之前在聊什么。
这样的心照不宣很温馨，也很隽永。不是什么刺激的味道，而是温醇的、淡淡的长留在心底。偶尔，想想在初院的过往，是这些朋友的陪伴让许多事没那么苦。
Thursday, September 22, 2011
眼泪
得知我患病时，我知道恺玲、雅雯、徐老师哭了。我听到之后，也很伤心。除了我家人的眼泪，这些朋友老师也为了掉了一些。
然后，刚刚在厨房时，妈妈说昨天外婆告诉了阿姨。今天阿姨打电话给妈妈，确认我的情况好转后，她也哭了。我听到时，也泛泪。
小时候因为是外婆带的，住在外婆家。当时未出嫁的阿姨周末会常煮早餐给我吃。当时舅舅们也是看着我长大的。所以，现在没有头发的我，他们都说跟四个月大的时候一模一样，头型也一样。虽然，长大了毕竟也会拉长了距离，但是听到阿姨为我点眼泪，我还是很感动。
那天，我还不能接受我掉头发的时期。是阿姨带我到处找假发，帮我想办法。我却不真气地在商场上哭起来。她还得抱着我，在人来人往的走廊上。
这些日子，眼泪真的掉得很多了。许多时候是在妈妈面前掉，还有另一些是在夜晚。应该没有朋友看见我的眼泪。我不想大家来看我时，大家都一把鼻涕一把眼泪的。
然后，刚刚在厨房时，妈妈说昨天外婆告诉了阿姨。今天阿姨打电话给妈妈，确认我的情况好转后，她也哭了。我听到时，也泛泪。
小时候因为是外婆带的，住在外婆家。当时未出嫁的阿姨周末会常煮早餐给我吃。当时舅舅们也是看着我长大的。所以，现在没有头发的我，他们都说跟四个月大的时候一模一样，头型也一样。虽然，长大了毕竟也会拉长了距离，但是听到阿姨为我点眼泪，我还是很感动。
那天，我还不能接受我掉头发的时期。是阿姨带我到处找假发，帮我想办法。我却不真气地在商场上哭起来。她还得抱着我，在人来人往的走廊上。
这些日子，眼泪真的掉得很多了。许多时候是在妈妈面前掉，还有另一些是在夜晚。应该没有朋友看见我的眼泪。我不想大家来看我时，大家都一把鼻涕一把眼泪的。
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
6#17
I'm over-due for the next chemo. The delay was for the interim PET scan done last Thursday. The wait for the results was horribly torturing. It's just like judgement day, heaven or hell.
So came Tuesday, after the blood test, I went to the Nuclear Med clinic. They took a while to retrieve my report. The moment I got it, I flipped through all the scan photos to look for the overall display of my entire body. Thanks, and this time round there isn't one.
All I could was to wait for my doctor to explain to me my results. While waiting, I read through the medical report, and this was what i got:
I got the sudden catatonic blank moment for a second, just like when I first got diagnosed and the report wrote " Hodgkin's Lymphoma." Back then, I thought it was just a condition, till I heard the word "malignant." So, "No evidence of metabolically active lymphoma" meant......?
Then, Francesca saw me asking if I saw the report. She then gave a very satisfied look, like I did well for my exams.
RELIEVED.
She then said that, chemo goes on, meaning 6 more times but we are not going to do radio therapy. I'm so relieved to hear this. Because, going through chemo is already putting me at higher risk for secondary cancer, and if I go through RT as well, the chances are just going to increase. But again, there are studies suggesting doing RT reduces relapse rate. Well, I know i shouldn't be thinking about this right now.
Leaving Francesca's office, I genuinely felt the happiness. I called my Mum, I smsed my prof, I whatsapped Lily and my friends. Oh man oh man.
Then, I realised, it is all the prayers, blessings, concerns from the people around me made this happened. The care my family has been giving me, the food my grandmother has been feeding me, books and letters my friends mailed me, Kai Ling Shaun Qin Jun listening to my horrendous whining, Yi Xin's marimo good luck moss, friends who are reading this blog, and all the SMS and whatsapp msg every single one sent me.
Still, being cautious at this stage is still necessary, we don't want recurrence half way through chemo. I have to stay vigilant, careful and strong to kick lymphoma's ass.
Next chemo is on Friday, and I will have to go back to chemo regime. Francesca was like, oh no you're going to vomit crazily again. Sigh.
But at least, I know I'm not dying. :)
So came Tuesday, after the blood test, I went to the Nuclear Med clinic. They took a while to retrieve my report. The moment I got it, I flipped through all the scan photos to look for the overall display of my entire body. Thanks, and this time round there isn't one.
All I could was to wait for my doctor to explain to me my results. While waiting, I read through the medical report, and this was what i got:
I got the sudden catatonic blank moment for a second, just like when I first got diagnosed and the report wrote " Hodgkin's Lymphoma." Back then, I thought it was just a condition, till I heard the word "malignant." So, "No evidence of metabolically active lymphoma" meant......?
Then, Francesca saw me asking if I saw the report. She then gave a very satisfied look, like I did well for my exams.
RELIEVED.
She then said that, chemo goes on, meaning 6 more times but we are not going to do radio therapy. I'm so relieved to hear this. Because, going through chemo is already putting me at higher risk for secondary cancer, and if I go through RT as well, the chances are just going to increase. But again, there are studies suggesting doing RT reduces relapse rate. Well, I know i shouldn't be thinking about this right now.
Leaving Francesca's office, I genuinely felt the happiness. I called my Mum, I smsed my prof, I whatsapped Lily and my friends. Oh man oh man.
Then, I realised, it is all the prayers, blessings, concerns from the people around me made this happened. The care my family has been giving me, the food my grandmother has been feeding me, books and letters my friends mailed me, Kai Ling Shaun Qin Jun listening to my horrendous whining, Yi Xin's marimo good luck moss, friends who are reading this blog, and all the SMS and whatsapp msg every single one sent me.
Still, being cautious at this stage is still necessary, we don't want recurrence half way through chemo. I have to stay vigilant, careful and strong to kick lymphoma's ass.
Next chemo is on Friday, and I will have to go back to chemo regime. Francesca was like, oh no you're going to vomit crazily again. Sigh.
But at least, I know I'm not dying. :)
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