害怕

我害怕自己会先走一步。
生病的时候，总是担心男朋友怎么办。
如果，我发生了什么事，谁可以照顾他？

有时，我害怕到哭。
或许癌症不会夺走我的生命，而是那些治疗后的并发症。

活下来了，却更多的顾虑。
人就是矛盾，病危时，只求活下来。

活过来后，却又害怕失去。
贪婪是人的本性啊。

2 years

“Hi I realised I am eligible to claim Medisave for this CT scan."
"You need to go to your doctor to get the form." she sounded a little annoyed from my statement.

I went over to the Haematology centre to retrieve the Medisave form and went back to the counter to register for my CT scan in 10 min.

"Where did u go to get the form?" she was less irate.
"Haematology Centre, block 7." I smiled, trying to stay as calm as i could though my scan is schedule at 9.10AM but it was already 9AM.

"You have cancer?"
"Yes."
"What cancer?"

I've not say this word for quite a while. Work, school, dates, lesser people are asking about my cancer and things just moved on since 2 years ago when my world crumbled.

"Lymphoma. Cancer of the blood."

There was this change in the air, she was no longer annoyed and the crease between her brows was ironed out. She spoke to me in a slightly cheery and sympathetic way.

"Are you schooling?" she avoided my eyes and continued with the paper work.
"Started working not long ago."

She sounded really curious about me but didn't know how to keep the conversation going. I would love to tell her I'm working, I'm studying, I'm dating, but my scan was in 5 minutes.

"Are u feeling sick?"
"Yes? Erm, sometimes?"
"Oh no, just asking, you looked pale."

I gave her a really weak smile, the nurses must be expecting me already.

"You know, you looked really pretty, u could use some lipstick, not too red. You will look very pretty."
"Ohhh, haha, yes I think i should! I always look pale."
"Yes, you don't put makeup don't you. A little lipstick will camouflage."

I tried to look at the glass door behind me. Maybe, my hair looked evenly curled today.

"ok dear, here you go. You are really pretty. Take care ok?"
"Yes. Thank you."

I get that a lot when I was in the hospital. I remember this Singaporean nurse who sit behind me and combed my long wavy hair back then before i started chemotherapy. She combed it gently and whispered to herself, or maybe to me, "this will have to go, you got to cut it much shorter."

Many such incidents happens in the hospital when they realised they are handling a young cancer patient.

Maybe they thought we will die anytime, and it was really a pity.

我们相见刚刚好

“若我有天不見了　或許你會比較快樂
雖然有萬般捨不得　也不願看你難割捨
若我有天不在了　請你原諒我的困擾
雖然你給我的不算少　只是我沒福氣要”

謝謝你

你的那一席話揭露了我拼命掩飾的傷疤。

我何嘗不知道，可是你抓緊我正視了這一切脆弱。

親愛的，你的世界沒有別人。

我的世界是我的投射，世間有沒有巧合，我有幸認識你。

這樣的相識，不是機遇。

冥冥中，我們有緣出現今天的對話，我需要正視某些東西。

獨立和被愛是能夠同時存在的。

我知道，可是我還無法internalise。

從生病到現在，我或許已經能夠有足夠的勇氣回首。

謝謝你。

This is Me.

Saw this sentence on the board:

"While cancer shouldn't define me, it remains an undeniable part of who I have become."

When it comes to relationship, some friends noticed my insecurities and reluctance to move into one. And when I declined a nice person previously just after my treatment, my best friend actually tell me I shouldn't decline with the reason for being sick.

Come on, it's such a big part of me and i just think it was indeed part of the reason!

Though the other half of the reason was because I didn't feel the spark, it made me come to understand that I cannot vanquish this part of myself. It will always be part of me and i don't think mentioning cancer is an excuse, it's a right that come with me after all those torture.

I demand it a right.

Though i'm kinda anti-marriage, i value a lot when it comes to love between two individual. It is a very remarkable deal when two separate individuals come together by an unnamed attraction and stay by each other through  thick and thin.

And it's normal for every single one to desire love and affection.

Before the big C strikes me, I already doesn't believe in marriage, but after cancer left, i see love and relationship from another light. Love and relationships can never be simple for cancer patients and survivors, while many obstacles stand in the way in many relationships, ours will always be shadowed by the ominous uncertainty of death. It is stressful and complicated, not easy to deal with.

Then again, who doesn't hope that there will always be someone special who is willing to hold your hands to brave the uncertainty?

Not many can and have the capacity to love a cancer patient, and we are absolutely fine with that because many times we hated that part of ourselves too.

So, who's up?

还是和以前一样吗？

今天我回到医院做CT Scan时，发现医院有些地方已经改变了。最后一次到医院来也是好几个月前的事了。

走着走着，有些转角非常熟悉。
那种心情很奇怪。

有些医护人员很眼熟，可是毕竟他们都不是我之前的Chemo护士，感觉好像没有有那么照顾我。忽然我想起一位我在block 7病房里的护士，那一天早上她抱着痛哭的我，摸摸我还未脱落的长发。

今天，帮我扎针的护士问我做过CT吗？我心里打了个寒颤，之前做过无数次比这个还夸张的扫描和手术呢。我说，有啊，之前不需要扎针，用我化疗的管子。护士抿了唇，问我化疗很辛苦吧。我说，对啊好恐怖呢。

昨天，我告诉了一位同事，我之前患癌的事。她一定是不知道该怎么反应，但是我相信公司里还是有许多人在公事以外，能交的好朋友。

结果下个月才会出来。

我还是以前的我吗？

Negative

The keyword here is "negative."

Marina text me in the morning and said that her scan came back NEGATIVE. I'm so happy so happy so happy. It was actually a thymus rebound and not a relapse. 

Thank Goodness.

It's the worse scare in our lives to receive a positive scan. 

We live a negative life, unlike others. 

xoxo

Cancer Survivor

Am I?

Suleika made me tear when i watched her speech. Did we survive cancer? It's not so simple like what the blood or scan reports says.

These days I'm really caught up with work and school work, that, I felt like i'm abusing my health. Having gone through the cancer treatments, I've learnt to rest and be forgiving to myself. I used to think we shouldn't find the easy way out even if it yields the same results because it simply doesn't make the outcome valuable.

But cancer changed me.

I'm not sure if this is something positive. However, with work and school peaking into the busy period at the same time, I think it's something good. I'm so tired everyday after work and school that i come home feeling so hungry yet too lazy to eat. At first i made it a point to eat my dinner, because i do feel hungry. Then, when the fatigue starts to accumulate, i come home with gastic pains and fatigue. And the next day I wake up feeling equally tired, but i have to go to work and act like i'm coping. It's a scary lifestyle for a cancer patient, erm, survivor. So, I've only given my bare minimum to work and school. I feel bad about it.

It's not helping in terms of performance but then again, why work so hard? Then again, when i feel really really bad, I start to abuse my body again. And the cycle goes on.

So many a times, i worry if cancer were to relapse it would be my own doing. sigh.

We may have survive cancer, but I guess we might not survive the life after cancer.
It's a joke; to survive death and not life.

迷惘

其实雨过不一定会天晴，风平不一定会浪静。

难道我们还不知道这个道理吗？曾经在死亡边缘绕了一圈，我和Marina庆幸我们活着回来了。以为一切将渐渐远去，我们或许会踏上未来的旅程，却怎么知，Marina停下了脚步。

她告诉我，她复发了。
我的心跌入万丈深渊，她在和我开玩笑吗？

或许，当我得知时，已经过了一个星期，她的情绪已经平复了许多。向我说起时，只有淡淡的无奈。我不知道要怎告诉她，一切会没事，因为我自己也没有把握。

有时，不是怕死掉，而是治疗的痛苦。
那么艰辛。

想告诉她我工作了的消息，却搁在了一旁。I know how it feels when the entire world is moving forward, and you are stuck in the most miserable stage of life.

It's gonna be transplant.

我们俩可说是同病相怜，因为之前的治疗情况都很接近。虽然我们之间隔着10个小时的时差，我们还是能够聊天，说着多数人听不懂的医学用词。

我感到很迷惘，也很不知所措。
Marina你比我想象中坚强许多。

Chemo Brain

I hate to admit, but Chemobrain has set in.

It's something the scientists aren't sure and all the patients are suffering. There are many research and studies going on, but nothing very conclusive. Some even deny this term and dismiss the poor patients.

And many friends say, they too are experiencing short term memory. Oh well, many always say that but, i weren't like this before treatment. It's not compared this way. We see the difference pre and post chemo, it's not because we age suddenly.

Other than short term memories, chemobrain exemplify itself as short attention span, fatigue, memory loss etc. For me, i lose my train of thoughts easily, and I'm starting to worry for my studies. And when people lower their standards upon learning my condition, i feel degraded.

I use to have a clear mind, i could write with reason but now, i'm losing it bit by bit.
It's scary like shit.

And it's not helping after my family's observation of my behaviour change and now it's my friends.

I feel Shu's frustration.
We were robbed, our health and freedom.



PS这半年来，我一直努力地运动、手抄古文、弹吉他、阅读，Shu甚至练习开发大脑的习题，但我们仍无法摆脱命运的残酷。

Scans and Smiles

They are rudely expensive.

I'm not sure if other insurance companies cover them, but mine doesn't because i'm just on a basic plan. It really sucks when you're a young patient and all you have was just some rider's programme on your parent's insurance.

So there's 4 PET scans i've done so far apart from many CTs and Xrays.

PET measures the cellular activities of cells, so if there's cancer they are very "hyper" and you could see the images "light up", the above is black and white though. The cancer or hyper cells like our brain etc, light up too, so the big mass on top is my brain, the lumps in the mediastinal is then the cancer. And, there's the contrast drink in my bladder. Ahem.

Upon diagnosis last year June, they are so massive that the biggest tumor was measured 15x12cm, wrapping up my heart. Eventually mid-way I responded and it was clear and you can see my heart.

However, there are many scars tissue (like blobs of flesh?) inside still where cancer first occurs. They are then captured in CTs which doesn't have colours or light. You will see images of organs and remnants of the tissues.

That's why i had radiation therapy to zap them away because some says it might be good breeding grounds for relapse. Furthermore my initial tumors were bulky, so to play safe (and of course i bear the long term sides effects).

Also, some immediate chemo and rads side effects are still lingering, i've not exactly gotten back to where i used to be. The awful neuropathy, aches, fatigue, pericardial effusion etc and changes in many little areas just remind me that I've had my chemo/rads days.

Many asked, when i returned school, how am i doing. What came into my mind is the above explanation. But, it's too visual and difficult to explain.

So, i'll always say, I'm fine (?).  

When something ended starts again

It feels, empty.

Being back on campus meant something very different. It meant I lived through treatment, it meant I was all well again. Then again, it also meant I’m back to school, a student all over again. And it feels weird.

We always wanted to do our MA but everything happened too fast and too early. And the three of us are left with two. Or maybe, when things start again we expect it to be as before, hence the emptiness?

I have many plans but I dare not plan in details. I fear the uncertainty that lies beneath, like the Hodgkin’s which swept me away from my course.

Before leaving the house today, I got a postcard from my fellow uni mate. We started writing when I fell sick and stopped when things got better. She is also doing her MA but a full-time research student one year ahead of me. It was very heartwarming to have received the card just before I left home, and seeing my prof who was smiling genuinely when he learnt about my remission.

And of course, the gossips Shaun and I always share.
Eventually all the familiarity eased the emptiness earlier en route to school

But again, cancer survivors live in constant fear that, it may once again starts when it actually has ended.

释怀了一些遗憾

上个星期，我们征服了那10公里。

心头有点释怀。

总是无法见Linda最后一面，我心里头很不是滋味。有点遗憾，有点不舍。可是，她留在我记忆里的是一个开朗健康积极的病人。我想这10公里就送给她，当做一份礼物。

在踩上终点线时，许多人许多事在脑海里闪过。

回到家里，我告诉Lily我终于跑完了，她非常骄傲地恭喜我。也写了封电邮给Dr Yeoh, 他也回了我。

10公里对许多人来说或许不是什么挑战，但我大病初愈，其实肺功能还没有恢复，加上本来就有哮喘的我来说，算是一种成就吧？其实连我自己也害怕途中有什么不妥。

过去了，这期待已久的10公里。
还有，对Linda的那份惋惜。

For you

我在HL Forum上写了这些：

For you.

Hello all, i'm going to run a 10k run this coming Sunday and it's an annual run organised by the Cancer Society in Singapore, called Run against Cancer. I'm 6 months post treatment and this run (not very far though haha) means quite a bit to me.

In this cancer journey, i'm very lucky to have found this forum and make many fellow friends at the haematology centre. Especially my first cancer buddy who passed away and i didn't even made it to her funeral, i wanna run this race for her. Also, for every single here who gave me support in many ways. I always feel at home reading everything you guy write here and I'm grateful of you guys even i've never really speak to many here. heh.

And also knowing @ultimax who is also form Singapore and we have finally setup the young adult cancer support group! And @hazelnut who is sharing my problems and our girly chats on whatsapp. jasmine, liz, jo, jen, stan, and many old peeps who always write insightful post to encourage and assure us.

I was telling my rad onc about my run and he was delighted to hear that i'm so active. so many people i'm grateful to, my medical team my doctors and you.

So i'm dedicating this run to, you.

他们都好可爱，回了我：


you go girl. We're all behind you (and with you in spirit)!!
with love and affection,
JanAlicia

“That's great Eriko! Keeping fit is an important part of minimizing long term health risks from treatment, and it's great to do a race for such a worthwhile cause. Good luck!


我亲爱的Marina：
Love it
Totally awesome, I am so proud of you!
Good luck today!
Xoxo


Jasmine:Good on you Eriko and its good to hear you must be feeling pretty good these days
My son did a 5k fun run last weekend. This is one of the positives to come out of the whole thing because he never exercised before.
Wishing you all the best for your run xx

我最喜欢ceb的：

Thank you Eriko. You're so sweet. Run like the wind. Take care.
carol

 乘着风耶。哈哈。

还有Linda，这个送给你。
Sy，你好了我们下次一起跑。

还有所有的朋友家人，谢谢你们这些日子的照顾。 :)

救赎

今天，Dr Yeoh在翻阅我的病历案时，微笑地告诉我，我完成治疗快半年了，时光荏苒呀。我看着他在纸上密密麻麻地写着字，回想碰见他的第一天，我还戴着beanie、口罩，病恹恹地坐在轮椅上。他看不清楚我的样子。

后来，出院了，回来复诊时，我戴着长长的假发。他说，终于看清楚我的模样了。接着的两个月，我不再戴假发。以自然卷的短发推开办公室的门时，他眼睛张了张，微笑，似乎再一次看清楚我的模样。

他常常很细心地看诊，之前还长达45分钟。因为当时，我得做一个重要的决定，放射性治疗的利与弊他细细道来。也会在医院的电梯遇见时，问我今天好不好要去哪里。

渐渐的，我不再是棘手的案例，他也没什么可和我聊了。然而今天，我告诉他我要跑马拉松（也不算，才十公里）他woah了好几次，重复了"it's definitely highly recommendable"，并非常佩服，才过了六个月我就恢复了体力。

其实，在化疗期间，我也有慢跑，Francesca 鼓励我继续运动，不要变得懒惰。当然，这一次的10公里，对我意义深远。我不是为了自己，也为了其他人。

在推开Dr Yeoh办公室的门离开之前，他叫住了我，问我马拉松是几时。我说了来临的星期天，他再一次报以我熟悉的微笑，祝我好运。

我很庆幸有Francesca, Dr Yeoh, 和 Dr Lao 的照顾。
他们救活了我。

不堪回首

一年了。 

累积了24年的回忆，我不曾害怕那一段回忆，因为每一段各有各的味道。然而，过去一年的味道很苦，也倒胃。偶尔想起，还残余作呕的冲动。那段药物充斥每一天的日子，手指变紫、寸发不生的昼夜，掺杂了悲凉和自怜。 

而今，我为着未来而厌倦。当大家都说，这些担心都是枉费心思的，因为未知始终是未知。可是他们总是不了解，我们已无力承受多一次如此的煎熬。可是漫漫人生，我们或许会再遇上一次与病魔的交战。

 一切还未结束，他人却故作轻松还是真的相信，我们的战役到此为止？ 

有时，让我们失望的是，没有一个人愿意分担我们的忧愁，却说“一切已经过去了”。往往，我们只是轻轻苦叹，我们凭什么要讲忧愁加注于他人；因为还没发生，人们擅长闪避还未发生的难题呀。


PET/CT 报告结果理想。
 一切安好。

Punggol

今天和sy走了走Punggol Waterway。
太阳太毒，我们有点吃不消。而且，感觉上地方不怎样，朋友们却说我们没有走完整个地方。

我们俩在回程聊起了sy的另外一个朋友。
她的癌症复发了，扩散到了骨髓。

常听sy提起她，她年仅22却如此煎熬。我们也忆起了治疗的日子，皆不寒而栗。sy还有4轮的治疗，她语气里的淡然听起来很sian。

我们都知道。
Cancer sucks.

Scanxiety

And my 3 month scan was over.
Now i'm worried about the results.

It's been 2 days and my doctor didn't call me. I don't know if I should be worried. If it was Francesca, she would text me and let me know the results first thing she got them.

Maybe, I should give them a ring instead.

Anyway, I realised nobody really knew how treatment was decided for me and where i were progressing. And of course the future, what a cancer patient should do.

YES. Things doesn't end.

The orange underlined route is what I've taken so far.

And this is what is in store for me for the rest of my life.

How tiring. :/

检查驿站1

现在的病房里，灯已熄。窗外的夜景看得到Pinnacle和Keppal的高架集装箱。这个风景不是我常住院看得到的，因为这一次我给医院分配到其他病房，不是我常住、很熟悉 Heamatology。 

我有点想念在住院时期认识的朋友。

Mdm Leung 常常陪我聊天至深夜。我们都迟睡，病房总是暗暗的，只留我们俩在聊天。然而现在的夜，只有我一人对这电脑。其他人似乎病得很重，都昏睡了。

Linda的那把声音在我耳边响起。她则是我早晨醒来时，灿烂向我问好的朋友。有时我真的会幻想，如果她还在我们一定是好朋友。

这一次住院是完成癌症疗程三个月的第一个检查。然而，它意义深远。Hodgkin's 的复发率是随时间减低的。所以，这是我的第一个检查驿站。

故作轻松。

在这之前，我和Marina隔着大西洋都在担心着最坏的结果。今天，她告诉我她的扫描结果依然干净。而明天就是我了。

Hope Marina will pass her good luck to me. 

Wish me luck. 

Happy Birthday?

Tomorrow is the 1 year mark for me being diagnosed. I felt like a year ago i died on this very day and one year later I'm still here. What i fear is history repeating itself on the same date every year. I get so stressed up, i tear a little.

I'm due for a PET end of the month and it's stressing me out. I start to behave like the PET is the armageddon day and i must live my life now and i start getting crazy and busy, trying to make myself feel alive.

It's scary. Really scary.  

But if I died a year ago, today also marks my rebirth.
Happy Birthday?