Cancer Survivor

Am I?

Suleika made me tear when i watched her speech. Did we survive cancer? It's not so simple like what the blood or scan reports says.

These days I'm really caught up with work and school work, that, I felt like i'm abusing my health. Having gone through the cancer treatments, I've learnt to rest and be forgiving to myself. I used to think we shouldn't find the easy way out even if it yields the same results because it simply doesn't make the outcome valuable.

But cancer changed me.

I'm not sure if this is something positive. However, with work and school peaking into the busy period at the same time, I think it's something good. I'm so tired everyday after work and school that i come home feeling so hungry yet too lazy to eat. At first i made it a point to eat my dinner, because i do feel hungry. Then, when the fatigue starts to accumulate, i come home with gastic pains and fatigue. And the next day I wake up feeling equally tired, but i have to go to work and act like i'm coping. It's a scary lifestyle for a cancer patient, erm, survivor. So, I've only given my bare minimum to work and school. I feel bad about it.

It's not helping in terms of performance but then again, why work so hard? Then again, when i feel really really bad, I start to abuse my body again. And the cycle goes on.

So many a times, i worry if cancer were to relapse it would be my own doing. sigh.

We may have survive cancer, but I guess we might not survive the life after cancer.
It's a joke; to survive death and not life.

迷惘

其实雨过不一定会天晴，风平不一定会浪静。

难道我们还不知道这个道理吗？曾经在死亡边缘绕了一圈，我和Marina庆幸我们活着回来了。以为一切将渐渐远去，我们或许会踏上未来的旅程，却怎么知，Marina停下了脚步。

她告诉我，她复发了。
我的心跌入万丈深渊，她在和我开玩笑吗？

或许，当我得知时，已经过了一个星期，她的情绪已经平复了许多。向我说起时，只有淡淡的无奈。我不知道要怎告诉她，一切会没事，因为我自己也没有把握。

有时，不是怕死掉，而是治疗的痛苦。
那么艰辛。

想告诉她我工作了的消息，却搁在了一旁。I know how it feels when the entire world is moving forward, and you are stuck in the most miserable stage of life.

It's gonna be transplant.

我们俩可说是同病相怜，因为之前的治疗情况都很接近。虽然我们之间隔着10个小时的时差，我们还是能够聊天，说着多数人听不懂的医学用词。

我感到很迷惘，也很不知所措。
Marina你比我想象中坚强许多。