害怕

我害怕自己会先走一步。
生病的时候，总是担心男朋友怎么办。
如果，我发生了什么事，谁可以照顾他？

有时，我害怕到哭。
或许癌症不会夺走我的生命，而是那些治疗后的并发症。

活下来了，却更多的顾虑。
人就是矛盾，病危时，只求活下来。

活过来后，却又害怕失去。
贪婪是人的本性啊。

2 years

“Hi I realised I am eligible to claim Medisave for this CT scan."
"You need to go to your doctor to get the form." she sounded a little annoyed from my statement.

I went over to the Haematology centre to retrieve the Medisave form and went back to the counter to register for my CT scan in 10 min.

"Where did u go to get the form?" she was less irate.
"Haematology Centre, block 7." I smiled, trying to stay as calm as i could though my scan is schedule at 9.10AM but it was already 9AM.

"You have cancer?"
"Yes."
"What cancer?"

I've not say this word for quite a while. Work, school, dates, lesser people are asking about my cancer and things just moved on since 2 years ago when my world crumbled.

"Lymphoma. Cancer of the blood."

There was this change in the air, she was no longer annoyed and the crease between her brows was ironed out. She spoke to me in a slightly cheery and sympathetic way.

"Are you schooling?" she avoided my eyes and continued with the paper work.
"Started working not long ago."

She sounded really curious about me but didn't know how to keep the conversation going. I would love to tell her I'm working, I'm studying, I'm dating, but my scan was in 5 minutes.

"Are u feeling sick?"
"Yes? Erm, sometimes?"
"Oh no, just asking, you looked pale."

I gave her a really weak smile, the nurses must be expecting me already.

"You know, you looked really pretty, u could use some lipstick, not too red. You will look very pretty."
"Ohhh, haha, yes I think i should! I always look pale."
"Yes, you don't put makeup don't you. A little lipstick will camouflage."

I tried to look at the glass door behind me. Maybe, my hair looked evenly curled today.

"ok dear, here you go. You are really pretty. Take care ok?"
"Yes. Thank you."

I get that a lot when I was in the hospital. I remember this Singaporean nurse who sit behind me and combed my long wavy hair back then before i started chemotherapy. She combed it gently and whispered to herself, or maybe to me, "this will have to go, you got to cut it much shorter."

Many such incidents happens in the hospital when they realised they are handling a young cancer patient.

Maybe they thought we will die anytime, and it was really a pity.

我们相见刚刚好

“若我有天不見了　或許你會比較快樂
雖然有萬般捨不得　也不願看你難割捨
若我有天不在了　請你原諒我的困擾
雖然你給我的不算少　只是我沒福氣要”

謝謝你

你的那一席話揭露了我拼命掩飾的傷疤。

我何嘗不知道，可是你抓緊我正視了這一切脆弱。

親愛的，你的世界沒有別人。

我的世界是我的投射，世間有沒有巧合，我有幸認識你。

這樣的相識，不是機遇。

冥冥中，我們有緣出現今天的對話，我需要正視某些東西。

獨立和被愛是能夠同時存在的。

我知道，可是我還無法internalise。

從生病到現在，我或許已經能夠有足夠的勇氣回首。

謝謝你。

This is Me.

Saw this sentence on the board:

"While cancer shouldn't define me, it remains an undeniable part of who I have become."

When it comes to relationship, some friends noticed my insecurities and reluctance to move into one. And when I declined a nice person previously just after my treatment, my best friend actually tell me I shouldn't decline with the reason for being sick.

Come on, it's such a big part of me and i just think it was indeed part of the reason!

Though the other half of the reason was because I didn't feel the spark, it made me come to understand that I cannot vanquish this part of myself. It will always be part of me and i don't think mentioning cancer is an excuse, it's a right that come with me after all those torture.

I demand it a right.

Though i'm kinda anti-marriage, i value a lot when it comes to love between two individual. It is a very remarkable deal when two separate individuals come together by an unnamed attraction and stay by each other through  thick and thin.

And it's normal for every single one to desire love and affection.

Before the big C strikes me, I already doesn't believe in marriage, but after cancer left, i see love and relationship from another light. Love and relationships can never be simple for cancer patients and survivors, while many obstacles stand in the way in many relationships, ours will always be shadowed by the ominous uncertainty of death. It is stressful and complicated, not easy to deal with.

Then again, who doesn't hope that there will always be someone special who is willing to hold your hands to brave the uncertainty?

Not many can and have the capacity to love a cancer patient, and we are absolutely fine with that because many times we hated that part of ourselves too.

So, who's up?

还是和以前一样吗？

今天我回到医院做CT Scan时，发现医院有些地方已经改变了。最后一次到医院来也是好几个月前的事了。

走着走着，有些转角非常熟悉。
那种心情很奇怪。

有些医护人员很眼熟，可是毕竟他们都不是我之前的Chemo护士，感觉好像没有有那么照顾我。忽然我想起一位我在block 7病房里的护士，那一天早上她抱着痛哭的我，摸摸我还未脱落的长发。

今天，帮我扎针的护士问我做过CT吗？我心里打了个寒颤，之前做过无数次比这个还夸张的扫描和手术呢。我说，有啊，之前不需要扎针，用我化疗的管子。护士抿了唇，问我化疗很辛苦吧。我说，对啊好恐怖呢。

昨天，我告诉了一位同事，我之前患癌的事。她一定是不知道该怎么反应，但是我相信公司里还是有许多人在公事以外，能交的好朋友。

结果下个月才会出来。

我还是以前的我吗？

Negative

The keyword here is "negative."

Marina text me in the morning and said that her scan came back NEGATIVE. I'm so happy so happy so happy. It was actually a thymus rebound and not a relapse. 

Thank Goodness.

It's the worse scare in our lives to receive a positive scan. 

We live a negative life, unlike others. 

xoxo